The night draped her in a blanket of black, but from where I was sitting, I could see her face being lit by the orange flicker of flames.
It was a cold November night and there were 5 or 6 of us gathered around a fire. There were no chairs, so we sat on the cold dusty ground. We could’ve gone inside the house, but there’s a certain rugged freedom that comes with being outside at night, bundled up around a fire that we didn’t want to forego.
A bottle of gin was being passed around and a Bob Dylan album played in the background. I was out of cigarettes, so I attempted to roll my own out of her tobacco and rolling papers.
It was going on 4am and I kept telling myself to get my ass up and walk home, but my body was weighted and I knew I wasn’t going anywhere.
I wanted everyone except for her to go home or to pass out so that I could finally talk with her alone. When I had her alone, I would finally tell her how I felt about her.
I would look into her dreamy brown eyes, take a deep breath (or maybe a drag of my rollie), and I would unzip my heart, exposing it to the crisp November air, and pray that she wouldn’t put her cigarette out directly into my aorta.
I know smoking is bad for the heart, but come on, that would be instant death.
I was 88% certain that the outcome at hand wasn’t going to end in my favor, but I had to tell her how I felt. I had to transfer this information from my heart to her ears, if for no other reason than to finally move on and stop wondering what if.
As the blanket of night lifted and the last of the fire went out, the early morning light whisked everyone to sleep, and finally, it was just the two of us, hazy and tired. I was sad for the arrival of morning but I had never been happier that I ignored the logical voice in my head, telling me to get my ass home. I finally had her alone.
It was the moment I had been waiting for, so I unzipped my heart and spilled it. I told her how I felt about her and that I had felt this way for many, many years. She took it in, struggled with it a bit, and then told me she didn’t feel the same.
And then we hooked up.
(f*cking gin)
And then the same thing happened two weeks later. And then a week after that. And every time I allowed it to happen I hated myself a little more. I hated myself partly because my feelings for her were growing stronger, and partly because I knew that eventually it would end, and the only person to walk away in tears would be me.
But the thing that got me the most was that every time we would see each other, I knew that it wasn’t good for me. I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, but I kept doing it anyway.
Eventually I moved to another state and carried on with my life. I didn’t move solely because of her, but the relief of not being in the same zip code was a welcomed change.
Today’s f*ckery isn’t really about my lady problems of youth, or the fact that I used to be the type of person who sat around a fire until 5 in the morning drinking gin and smoking cigarettes (or the fact that part of me will always miss smoking and drinking, whether it’s around a fire or not).
Today’s f*ckery is dedicated to a simple message, just for you.
From my heart to yours, hear this:
If you’re stuck in a pattern of doing something that you are 100% certain isn’t good for you, I want to remind you that you are not alone. We all do sh*t that we know is bad for us.
Whether it’s eating crap food on a daily basis, popping pills that aren’t necessary, drinking way too much gin, opening your heart to people who don’t deserve it, or inhaling chemicals into your lungs – we’ve all been through it, or are going through it right now.
And you know what?
At the end of the day, we’re all doing the very best we can to navigate life and make as much sense out of it as we possibly can.
The last thing we need is to beat ourselves up for all the ways that we could be doing better. Life is hard enough. It helps if we can at least count on ourselves to stop it with the judgment.
So take a load off, know that we’re all human and we all go through similar struggles. The details differ from person to person, but the thread that connects each and every one of us is made of the same fiber.
When you’re ready to make another choice, support will show up, my dear.
Maybe that choice is eating frozen grapes instead of ice cream. Or telling your doctor that you don’t want to be on so many pills and that you’d like to look at the root cause of your health problems.
Maybe you’re finally ready to give up booze or walk away from a hurtful relationship. Maybe you’re ready to have your very last cigarette for good.
When you’re ready to make a new choice, whatever it is, you will find your people to help you get through it, because we’re all human. And to be human is to make crap choices sometimes, even when we know they’ll do us more harm than good.
So be nice to yourself, drizzle lots of love over your beautiful soul, and know that you are never ever alone.
Are we good? Okay, let’s talk food.
A couple of weeks ago, I found myself in a steakhouse, eating the most bomb diggity vegan platter evah. It’s a long story, but the part that you need to know is that I later recruited the chef who made our bomb diggity food to come up with a recipe for you. And holy sh*t did she deliver. Here were the instructions I gave her:
“Hey Matt – one of my readers requested something a few weeks ago that I haven’t tackled yet. It’s a raw lasagna layered with zucchini, mushroom, avocado, cashew cream and raw walnut Bolognese. I don’t know if it was 100% raw or if parts of it were cooked (like maybe the mushrooms?). She ordered it from a restaurant, took a picture of it (see attached) and asked me to replicate it. What do you think about doing that? ~Molly”
That’s what she had to work with.
I went to her house last Monday to take pictures of her creation and then eat the set, and holy hat rack (yup, I said that), she impressed the pants off me once again (my pants didn’t actually come off).
Here’s the thing. You have to make this recipe, but make it for a special occasion or when you’re having people over for dinner, because it’s worth creating an ambiance for.
I don’t know what the f*ck Matt is doing working for a steakhouse, because she needs to open her own restaurant ASAP.
Raw Vegan Lasagna with Sunflower Seed Pesto, Sun-Dried Tomato Marinara, Cashew Cheese, and Walnut Sausage
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Author: Molly Patrick
Ingredients
- at least 2 large zucchinis
For the Sunflower Seed Pesto
- ⅔ cup raw sunflower seeds
- 2 teaspoons lemon juice
- 2 big handfuls of raw spinach about 3 cups
- 1 head of broccoli just the florets, roughly chopped
- Sea salt and pepper to taste
For the Sun-Dried Tomato Marinara
- 1 cup sun-dried tomatoes soaked in hot water for 30 minutes
- 4 large Medjool dates soaked in hot water for at least 10 minutes and pitted
- 1 garlic clove chopped
- 1 heirloom tomato cut in half
- 2 teaspoons lemon juice
- 1 teaspoon no salt seasoning like Spike
- 2 tablespoons water
- sea salt and pepper to taste
For the Cashew Cheese
- 1 cup raw cashews soaked overnight in filtered water
- 1 teaspoon herbs de provence
- 1 garlic clove chopped
- 2 teaspoons lemon juice
- 1 teaspoon nutritional yeast
- sea salt and pepper to taste
For the Walnut Sausage
- 2 cups raw walnuts soaked overnight in filtered water
- 1 teaspoon fresh sage minced
- 1 teaspoon fresh thyme minced
- ½ teaspoon dried thyme
- 1 teaspoon dried marjoram
- 1 teaspoon ground fennel or fennel seeds
- ½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
- 1 teaspoon fresh rosemary minced
- 2 tablespoons shoyu or liquid aminos
Instructions
Make the Sunflower Seed Pesto
Soak the sunflower seeds overnight in filtered water.
Rinse and strain the seeds and place them into a food processor with the rest of the ingredients (lemon juice, spinach, and broccoli).
Pulse until you get a good pesto texture, not too smooth and not too rough.
Add salt and pepper to taste
Make the Sun-Dried Tomato Marinara
Drain the sun-dried tomatoes and dates from their soaking water and add them, along with the rest of the marinara ingredients (garlic, heirloom tomato, lemon juice, seasoning, and water) to the food processor and process until it becomes a chunky sauce.
Add salt and pepper to taste.
Make the Cashew Cheese
Rinse and drain the cashews and place them in the food processor, along with the rest of the ingredients (herbs de provence, garlic lemon juice, and nutritional yeast) and process, scraping down the sides occasionally, until the texture is similar to ricotta cheese.
Add salt and pepper to taste
Make the Walnut Sausage
Add all of the ingredients to the food processor and process until there are no big chunks of walnuts. It will be a little spicy, but it will taste just like the sausage you would expect on pizza.
Assemble the Lasagna
To make the lasagna you will need at least 2 large zucchinis, sliced lengthwise into thin slices. The easiest way to do this is to use a mandolin, but a sharp knife will also work.
You can either make individual lasagna portions (like the ones pictured), or you can layer everything into a dish, as you would a regular lasagna.
Whatever you choose, start with a layer of the zucchini and then add a layer of the pesto. Top the pesto with another slice of zucchini and top it with marinara. Add another slice of zucchini and top it with cashew cheese. Add another slice of zucchini and then a layer of the walnut sausage.
Top with sprouts or micro greens and serve.
May you love yourself through all of your choices – both the awesome and the not so awesome.
